I Still Feel Like My Cheating Spouse Is Lying About The Affair – I Don’t Trust What He’s Telling Me
One of the biggest hurdles you must overcome when trying to assess or even save your marriage after your spouse has an affair is determining whether you can believe their claims. Often, you really want to believe him, but you can’t help but doubt something he’s telling you. After all, he lied to you very easily and effortlessly while he was cheating on you, so what is it to make sure that he is telling you the truth now?
An example of this type of concern is something like, “I only found out my husband was cheating on me because I left my lunch at home and picked him up. My husband has been unemployed for four months and has been having an affair with one.” from my neighbors. This woman was in our house and when I walked in and as soon as I saw her, I knew something was up. A quick check on her phone and Facebook account showed me that she was right. Because my husband has lost his job, we can’t afford to move, and the other woman has lived in our neighborhood for twenty years. My husband swears that he has not seen the other woman and that he will not see her. He says that he will only see her. take our dogs for a walk when I can be with him. He says that he doesn’t leave her or receive visits from her while I’m at work. He hasn’t given me any specific reason not to believe him. But since I’m not at home and can only call him, I have my doubts. What’s to stop him from sneaking her in there and just answering the phone like is he alone? I would like to save my marriage, but I have my doubts as to whether or not it is possible. I just don’t have the confidence. And since there’s no way for him to prove that he’s telling me the truth, I’m not sure how to restore it either.”
You probably already suspect this, but most women in your situation have the same doubts. Unless she is with her husband twenty-four hours a day (which is not possible or desirable for most of us), there will always be some mystery about exactly what she is doing. And it is normal to suspect that she has done something wrong when she has cheated on you recently. In a sense, as a faithful spouse, you can become a bit paranoid.
I can only speak for myself, but after my own husband’s affair, if he was five minutes late or didn’t call me when I thought he would, my mind automatically went to places where I was doing something wrong or even cheating again. These assumptions were not correct. And they only eroded our confidence that much more. But you can only do so much to avoid this. Over time, as trust is rebuilt and you begin to see your spouse follow through and end up doing exactly what he said, over and over again, you begin to backtrack on these assumptions.
But until then, you can try to work it out so that circumstances allow you to trust as much as possible at that moment. For example, maybe it would make you feel better if you dropped by unannounced once or twice just to make sure she’s not there. Or, you can arrange for her to join you for regular lunch. Alternatively, you can arrange for him to do something very regularly outside the home, such as networking, training, or something that will ease the stress and give him confidence in his job search.
Frankly, people can get quite depressed and hopeless when unemployed, and this could well have contributed to their deception. This is why I believe it is vital to aggressively pursue anything that has to do with improving your employability in order to keep your self-esteem high.
So I don’t think counseling is a bad idea here either. A man who is willing to go to counseling with you gives you one more indication that he is serious about making his marriage work. And if this is true, you have to wonder if he would jeopardize that very marriage by continuing the very thing that almost ended it in the first place.
I know you feel like you’re being asked to blindly trust him. That’s why he sometimes reported to me and why I tried to keep him extremely busy looking for his job. But, at the end of the day, you can’t be with him all the time. And there comes a point where you have to decide if you’re going to assume he’s telling the truth until he gives you reason to think otherwise.